my friend brought me the sweetest gifts
first of all, i’d like to say ‘thank you so incredibly much’ for all of the wonderful comments and messages i have received. i have read them over and over again in waiting rooms and while sitting by my mom as she’s asleep. they’ve comforted me more than i can explain. thank you <3
we brought my mom back home last week. her main doctor and my dad had a talk where he agreed that it would be better for my mom to come back home instead of waiting in the hospital.
while she was there, we called and visited numerous nursing homes. they were all either booked or terrible, so we decided to bring her back home….we prepped the house by rearranging some of the furniture so it is ‘mom friendly’.
her mood has changed drastically. her last few days at the hospital, she was begging us to take her home…she had an extremely long week. she kept saying ‘i promise i won’t be bad, please take me home’. it wasn’t her fault to begin with. i was at work when my dad brought her home and i couldn’t wait to get out so i could see her. i bought her sunflowers <3
she was weak and tired but relieved to be home. her parkinson’s shows more since she’s taking less of the medicine but she is a calmer person in return. sometimes she’ll talk nonsense but i just pretend that i understand what she is saying. sometimes she’s able to walk on her own and sometimes she’ll call me to help her get up from the couch. she falls asleep while she is eating a lot more now, but it’s okay. as long as she is happy. we don’t know how long she’ll be with us here….maybe five months or maybe five years. it all depends on the progression of the disease and how much we can handle as a family. we are taking things slow and being very careful.
i’ve been feeling a bit numb..emotionally. it’s been a tough two weeks. i had a couple of break downs this past week but it’s normal. i don’t want to hold any of the sadness in. i felt very stuck…like my life was defined by this…taking care of my mom. it’s time for me to think about myself now. i want to focus on my career and move ahead.
today i feel positive and hopeful. it’s a great feeling and i hope to feel this way for a long time.
i mentioned in the previous post that she was in the behavioral medicine department. there are all sorts of patients there with a variety of problems. one of them, chris, I’ll never forget. he was so incredibly uplifting and kind even though he was stuck there. he would great me everyday with a “HEY LOLO!” and come and sit next to me while I tried to cheer up my mom. he kept saying “your mom’s a cool lady” and he even knew a few armenian words that he would yell out for her. visiting the hospital everyday was heavy but chris made it better. i don’t know if i’ll ever see him again, but i hope with all my heart that he has a wonderful future ahead.
A week ago today I called 911 on my mom because she was uncontrollable. The Parkinson’s medications she has been on for the past 9 years have finally caught up with her and she has become extremely aggressive and psychotic when she is on them.
Since last Sunday, she has been transferred from the emergency room to another hospital where she is closer to our family doctor. There is also a doctor there that specializes in mental disorders and he’s been evaluating the medicine that she will be on from now on.
On Tuesday night my dad informed us that my mom will probably not come home again. The doctor told him he was surprised that we had been taking care of her for this long. It has been extremely difficult to process this. So much of her is everywhere in the house. How can we be whole without her?
She can’t move and barely talks. She has a difficult time keeping her eyes open but when they are open she gives me the most heartbreaking stares. She is aware and that is probably the worst part of all of this. She is so intelligent and bright yet she is stuck in her useless body. My poor mom.
I sit next to her wheelchair and feed her and ask her if she wants water. I kiss her on the cheek and try to make her comfortable. She barely says anything but when she does, she makes sure we know how upset she is.
We’ve been looking for nursing homes around the area but none of them have room for her at the moment. We have been pleading with the doctors today to let her come home with us tomorrow temporarily until we can find a good place for her because she is so miserable at the hospital.
So that’s what I’ve been up to for the past week. Sometimes I feel so lonely but I remind myself that this will also pass. I’ve learned to accept the most devestating news and to be strong for my dad. He’s the toughest guy I know. I’m just so sad.
I found myself looking for a shooting star last night. I’d wish for happiness for everyone.