Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.
@saroshig said: Wise words, Lolo. Do you have an outlet besides that to help you deal? Patougner!
it’s so complicated. i’ve gotten help before, especially in the beginning. since the situation is out of my control, i have to focus on things that i can control. for instance, if things get really bad, i need to remove myself from the situation…so that means leave and go somewhere else to cool off or….if there is an argument, just ignore it. it sounds easy when it’s put like that but in reality, it’s complicated. there is always a feeling of desperation and sadness present no matter what. i’m always thinking of her (is she okay? does she need me? is she calling me? did she fall? has she taken her medicine? we need to find a caretaker, etc etc). and all that thinking leaves a person very exhausted at the end of the day. when something bad does happen, it’s difficult to follow the logic i’ve been told to remember but i try my best and i talk to myself through it. friends…i try to see or at least talk to someone everyday to not feel isolated. and that’s pretty much it. my dad, sister, and I have a strong bond. we always talk to each other…կիսվում ենք իրար հետ ~
Oh, and Laika…she makes me so happy~